Tuesday, September 30, 2008
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Thursday, September 4, 2008
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
The 12 Steps of Celebrity Sex Addiction
- Embrace and cultivate self-recognition of your sexual appetites by having all kinds of sex since you’re famous and can get most of it free!
- Understand the broader implications of your acts on others by engaging in as much weird, freaky, and even pathetic semi-clandestine sex as you can with as many people as possible.
- Come to believe that you’re above reproach while you make stupid choices in persons, places, or things (or maybe all three) and are discovered by the paparazzi.
- Deny it profusely. Preferably in People Magazine and on TMZ.com. Get really indignant about it!
- With further reflection (and amid violent threats from loved ones and business hangers-on), admit your powerlessness over sex and enter rehab. Ask for privacy for your family in this very difficult time.
- Take one look around rehab, realize that it’s not going to be nearly as much fun as having a bunch of sex, and power your way out of there.
- Get a good relapse on!
- Come to your senses with the help of your agent and financial manager. Re-enter and finish rehab with a level of faux sincerity and commitment to reform that should at least be worthy of a Golden Globe nomination.
- Make a list of everyone you’ve harmed. Make amends by publishing the whole story in a ghost-written, tell-all memoir of your experiences. Name names, sexual acts, and species. With pictures.
- Go on a Barbara Walters special. Admit your error, commiserate with Barbara, and shed a few tears. Make sure to plug the book.
- After a period of meditation and contemplation, as public attention shifts to another celebrity’s foible du jour, take a further personal inventory of all the people, phone numbers, email addresses, and URLs that made up your sexual odyssey.
- Use your personal inventory list to get back to step #2 (having lots of sex), employing everything learned to avoid step #3 (getting caught)!