Tuesday, September 2, 2008

The 12 Steps of Celebrity Sex Addiction - For David Duchovny

The 12 Steps of Celebrity Sex Addiction
  1. Embrace and cultivate self-recognition of your sexual appetites by having all kinds of sex since you’re famous and can get most of it free!
  2. Understand the broader implications of your acts on others by engaging in as much weird, freaky, and even pathetic semi-clandestine sex as you can with as many people as possible.
  3. Come to believe that you’re above reproach while you make stupid choices in persons, places, or things (or maybe all three) and are discovered by the paparazzi.
  4. Deny it profusely. Preferably in People Magazine and on TMZ.com. Get really indignant about it!
  5. With further reflection (and amid violent threats from loved ones and business hangers-on), admit your powerlessness over sex and enter rehab. Ask for privacy for your family in this very difficult time.
  6. Take one look around rehab, realize that it’s not going to be nearly as much fun as having a bunch of sex, and power your way out of there.
  7. Get a good relapse on!
  8. Come to your senses with the help of your agent and financial manager. Re-enter and finish rehab with a level of faux sincerity and commitment to reform that should at least be worthy of a Golden Globe nomination.
  9. Make a list of everyone you’ve harmed. Make amends by publishing the whole story in a ghost-written, tell-all memoir of your experiences. Name names, sexual acts, and species. With pictures.
  10. Go on a Barbara Walters special. Admit your error, commiserate with Barbara, and shed a few tears. Make sure to plug the book.
  11. After a period of meditation and contemplation, as public attention shifts to another celebrity’s foible du jour, take a further personal inventory of all the people, phone numbers, email addresses, and URLs that made up your sexual odyssey.
  12. Use your personal inventory list to get back to step #2 (having lots of sex), employing everything learned to avoid step #3 (getting caught)!